Rules To Living At Autobot Outpost Omega One
by Nephilim Sparda Prime
Summary: Some simple rules to go by should you live there. Be warned, You will need Life Insurance, and Health Insurance. Because you might not survive.
1. Rules 1-4

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers Prime, Devil May Cry (All 6 games) , Or Knight Rider.

Guidelines Living With Bots And Cons

Rule#1

Don't Tell Brendan That DMC:Devil May Cry Was The Worst Game In The Series

(Miko said that to Brendan while he was playing it)

(Miko went missing for a few hours)

(Ratchet found her upside down in his quarters)

(dressed up like Lady from Devil May Cry 3)

Rule#2

Don't Try To Flirt With Arcee

(Brendan left the main room for a minute to talk with his father)

(Leaving only Smokescreen and Arcee alone in the room)

(Smokescreen tried to be sneaky and asked Arcee if they could go and have some energon, and try to get to know eachother a little better)

(It was when during that moment Brendan had returned to the main room)

(and had heard what he said)

(Arcee had been at a loss for words at Smokescreen's statement)

(but Brendan was fuming, and told a Smokescreen that he will give him a five second head start to run before he threatened to rip his beating Spark out of his chest and feast on it while he watches)

(Smokescreen bolted more quicker than ever out of the base like Unicron and Mundus were on his ass)

(Miko and Jack couldn't stop laughing)

Rule #3

If you value your life, don't touch Brendan's weapons.

(Miko learned that the hard way)

(Brendan had explained that his weapons only respond to his touch)

(She tried to use the Arbiter)

(And the Ax tried to incinerate her and almost succeeded)

(Miko smelled like Barbecued Shit for a month)

Rule #4

Don't Attempt to ask Brendan to Take you to Limbo.

(Because Unlike a certain Nephilim, you wouldn't survive)

(Miko followed me into Limbo)

(And almost got Mauled by an Imprisoner and a Whisp)

(She got a firm talk by Optimus and Me.)

(I now wonder what she did to piss off two demons in the first place)


	2. Rules 5-8

(Sorry that I haven't updated in a while, it's school and all that s##t. Well enjoy)

Rule#5  
Don't Into a fight with Optimus and say that you wish that Megatron was your dad. (Rule was by tatanya witwicky)

(Holy Shit was he pissed)

(I made him some energon cookies as an apology, I hate it when people are upset)

(He accepted them and the apology, but grounded me for a week)

(Seeing the look on his face when I came in with a huge ass plate full of cookies was worth with it though)

Rule#6  
Don't ask the bots where babies come from

(Miko asked Ratchet this)

(He went into a full blown 2 hour lecture)

(When he was done, Miko passed out, Raf threw up on the floor, Jack got into the fetal position and started sucking his thumb.)

(While I had just smashed my head into the wall countless times)

(Now I can't look at Jack's mom without shuddering)

Rule#6  
Just Because I can turn into a cybertronian, doesn't mean I will bail you out of school.

(Miko got into detention, again)

(She asked me to get her from school)

(She wanted not Brendan, but Nephilim Prime to pick her from school)

(I picked her up, learning later that she talked me into playing hookey)

(Dad lectured me for it)

(I'm now resisting the urge to run Miko's Japanese ass over when I'm Nephilim Prime)

Rule#7  
Saying that Megatron would be a great boyfriend for Dad is not allowed

(I'm not bothering to explain how many things could bad…or good from saying that)

Rule#8  
The Songs "Jizzed My Pants" And "D##k In A Box" Are Banned

(Ratchet said that it's impossible to self orgasm without touching yourself or without a partner)

(Though Arcee loved the Christmas present I gave her this year, she uses it every day)

(Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow)

Nephilim Prime singing out


	3. Rules 9-14

Rule # 9  
Don't Read Transformers Slash Fanfiction when Optimus Is In The Room.

(I love fanfiction, and I think it's hilarious with the slash involving my dad and uncle Megatron)

(But when I was reading one, dad walked in and saw what I was reading)

(I think he now has a permanent twitch in his optic)

Rule # 10  
Don't Try To Scare Brendan With The Custom Linclon Mark 3 From The Movie The Car.

(I love that movie)

(But I fucking hate that car)

(The design was completely unnecessary)

(Miko uses it as a revenge tactic)

(She somehow convinced Bumblebee to change his alternative mode to look like The Car)

(Complete with that scary ass horn)

(I walked into the main room one day to find the lights dimmed and Bumblebee sitting there in his new alt form)

(Using the horn that goes baaaaabababaaaaaaa)

(I almost, shit my pants)

(And I couldn't damage the damn thing because I remembered that it was invincible in the movie)

(So I did the best thing that I could do)

(I jumped into the rafters and hid there for a few hours))

(When dad asked what I was doing in the rafters crying, I simply pointed to Bumblebee)

(Who kept revving his engine and honking his horn)

(Dad punished and scolded Miko, and made Bumblebee apologize)

(I still don't forgive Miko, But I can forgive Bumblebee)

(He has those godamn cute squirrily coke eyes)

Rule #11  
Don't Write On Arcee's Butt "Property Of Brendan Prime"

(Let's face it, this was my idea)

(I had to show everyone that I was the dominant mate)

(So I wrote said thing on Arcee's ass)

(When dad saw it he turned to me and what happened next was pretty surprising)

(He smiled at me said "You forgot to write and proud of it")

(Dad you ROCK!)

Rule # 12  
Don't let Brendan near Mrs. Darby

(I couldn't help it)

(My damn hormones keep flaring around that woman)

(Especially the was she moves her hips)

(I now steer clear of that woman)

Rule #13  
Don't let Mrs. Darby near Brendan

(She tried pull a fast one on me)

(I almost said yes)

(That was when Arcee walked in)

(Who Had heard what she said)

(And then threw June into a wall)

(She now has a broken arm)

(I told her not to)

(But they never learn do they)

Rule # 14  
Don't Deny Brendan His McDonalds

(This is a big no no)

(If you deny my McDonalds, I will send you to hell)

(Ratchet tried)

(And spent the next four days in limbo)

(When I pulled him back in, he was covered in stygma blood and witch hair)

(I told him "do it again, and you will spend a month in limbo with a wrench where the sun don't shine")

(And no I don't mean the closet)


	4. Rules 15-18

Rule #15  
Don't Watch Abridged Parodies Of Transformers While Any Autobot Is In The Room

(I was watching Transformers Energon: an Abridged parody)

(For some reason I could watch the abridged series in this dimension)

(Dad had popped in when his character said "I swear when I find that boy his face is going right up on my wall, right next to Hoist and Sideswipe")

(The room was silent for a few minutes)

(Then dad finally responded with "How did they find out?")

(OMFG)

Rule#16  
Miko Is Not Allowed To Play Slash Monkey When Brendan Is Present

(Because I will upstage her and play Nosia and Combichrist)

(And let's face it, Slash Monkey sounds like putrid horseshit getting shoved into my ears)

(I just hate it)

(And I have Jack and Raf to back me up on this one)

(Because they like Nosia and Combichrist like me)

Rule#17  
Don't Quote Any Line From The Following Movies:

·Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy  
"Oh, Great Odin's Raven".  
(Jack says this every time he hears the alarm go off)

·Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby  
"Loosings Never Fun, But Here's Something To Pick Your Spirits Up…(Stick Up The Middle Finger)…It's Real Nice, I Got It At Target, It's On Sale"

(That is my signature every time I see Vince)

Iron Man 1-3  
"Let's Face It, This Is Not The Worst Thing You've Caught Me Doing"

(Miko's response to Ratchet when she get in trouble)

"Aw, It Taste Like Coconut….And Metal"

(I swear, that's what I thought Energon tasted like when I first had tried it)

"I Liked You Better When You Were In A Christmas Story"

(The next time I hear Vince say that to Raf, I'm going to shove one of my guns up his ass and blow him apart from the inside out)

(These are not to be said…)

(…But we end up saying them anyway)

Rule#18  
Don't Try To Look For Super Energon

(I'm never letting the Autobots watch Transformers Energon)

(They will take it way too damn seriously)


	5. Ruled 16-23

Rule #19  
Don't Lie To My Dad

(He is a fucking lie detector)

(Miko and Raf are the reasons for this)

(I am the exception)

Rule#20  
Nobody (Except Me) Is Allowed To Bring Unhealthy Foods To The Base

(Ratchet can't take em from me because he knows what the consequences would be)

(But he will take them from anyone else)

(Miko will never see milkyways again)

(Neither will Jack)

Rule#21  
Knock Before You Enter

(This is a big one)

(I had walked in dad's office without knocking)

(And what I saw, made me feel awkward)

(Dad was talking to a collection of dismembered heads)

(He had the head of Makeshift)

(Where the fuck did he get his head?)

(Better yet, How the fuck did he get his head?)

(I now steer clear of dad's office)

Rule#22  
Don't Swoon Over Hot Celebrities When Arcee Is In The Room

(I was watching something on Rosie Huntington Whitley)

(And I kid you not, she is fucking hot)

(Arcee heard this, and she left the base)

(And didn't come back for a few days)

(The next time I watched TV, I had found out that Rosie Huntington Whitley was in the hospital with a broken leg and a few broken ribs)

(She said that a Blue and Pink motorcycle came out of nowhere and hit her)

(She also said that no one was riding it)

(This just goes to show you that femmes will go to great lengths to keep their mates safe)

(I thought it was sweet)

(Optimus didn't)

(Arcee is now on house arrest)

Rule#23  
Don't Let Brendan Hear Arcee Swoon Over Hot Celebrities When He Is In The Room

(Arcee and Miko were watching Twilight)

(And they said that they would marry the dude who plays Edward Cullen and the guy who plays Jake)

(The next day, Arcee and Miko watched the News, they were shocked)

(Both said Actors were in the hospital)

(They had multiple slash wounds and broken bones)

(They said that a Demon with three eyes attacked them)

(I'm now on house arrest along with Arcee)

(But at least we are able to spend some alone time with eachother)

(I now hope that every twihard fan in the world is crying now)

(Because I'm not finished those Actors yet)

(Muha)


	6. Rules 24-31

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the things mentioned in this. Except for my OC's Brendan and Kade.

(Being Read From Brendan's POV)

Rule #24: Ratchet Is Forbidden To Attempt Cloning Another Human.

(This Is A Big One)

(One Miko is bad enough)

(If there were two… oh dear god I don't even want to think of the bad things that will come from it)

Rule #25: Don't Ask Stupid Questions.

(This rule basically speaks for itself)

Rule #26: Miko is not allowed to prank Brendan or Kade.

(Because we get pissed really easily)

(And Hell's fury is nothing compared to ours)

(And when we get our revenge we get our revenge…we get it with paintball guns)

(Milo still has the bruise spots on her back from where the paintballs hit)

(Nobody even knows who did it to her)

Rule #27: Don't Try To Do The Stunts Performed On Jackass 1, 2 Or 3, Because Of A Recent Event.

(Because they can be pretty painful)

(Yet funny at the same time)

(Jack has learned his lesson)

(As did I)

(We both did the Electric Avenue and The High Five)

(Jack got me in Electric Avenue)

(I got Jack with the High Five)

(I did what they did in the movie and strapped bags of flour to the hand)

(When Jack walked into the room, I asked him for a high five)

(He held his hand out expecting me to give him the high five)

(He instead got a giant spring loaded antiqueing to…well his whole body)

(My Reaction After That Was: "Oh My Goodness…Good Morning")

Rule #28: Don't Attempt To Build Your Own Jager From The Movie Pacific Rim.

(Why!? They're so awesome!)

(Plus that would give us an advantage over the Decepticons)

(I was going to model a Jager after Dad, and call it Optimus Supreme)

(But Ratchet said "No fragging way! Even if you built one…where would you put it? And how would it be able to leave the base? It's too big!")

(Sometimes…I hate it when Ratchet's right)

(Though Dad had said it would have been awesome have it named after him.)

(It's the thought that counts)

Rule #29: The Movie Team America: World Police Is Banned From The Base.

(Even though it's freaking hilarious)

(Its use of profanity is a bit to much…especially some people *points at June Darby*)

Rule #30: When Someone Says "I Have Him Dead Center In My Viewfinder" It Doesn't Really Mean It.

(It's an Autobot phrase meaning "Slightly To The Left But I'm Gonna Shoot Anyway")

(We Autobots are proud of that phrase)

Rule #31: Don't Ask Why My Hair Is Silver

(Because it will lead the the person who asked me to say "Your Getting Old!")

(Miko can be cruel sometimes)

(It's not my fault, all Nephilims have hair like me)

(And I never have to use shampoo, because it always stays clean)


End file.
